Child arrangements at christmas: Tips to navigate the festive season smoothly

Christmas is often described as a magical time for children full of excitement, advent calendars and (to many parents’ dismay!) Elf on the Shelf… all building up to Santa’s big arrival. It can create a pressured environment and, for parents living apart, it can also be an emotionally charged time of the year. Decisions about where the children will spend Christmas Day, how time will be divided, and how to manage new family dynamics can quickly feel overwhelming.

With Christmas Day fast approaching, this article sets out 5 top tips to help navigate child arrangements in a way to make it less stressful and to keep a focus on the child’s welfare.

Focus on what is best for the children

The number one focus when navigating child arrangements over Christmas should be on the children themselves. The aim for Christmas is to create a positive, exciting and memorable experience for the children. To assist with that, parents should consider the children’s wishes and needs, including considering the following:

• Their existing traditions
• The children’s wishes as to where they would like to spend Christmas and what they would like to do
• Their relationship with each parent
• Their age
• Sibling relationships (including step- or half-siblings)
• What arrangements will be least disruptive to the children (taking into account travel time between homes, children’s sleep schedules and plans with extended family)

By considering the above and most importantly, considering the children’s wishes when making a decision about the arrangements, it can go a long way to ensuring the Christmas period goes smoothly and joyfully for both the adults and the children. However, parents should make clear to the children when asking what they would like to do in the Christmas period, that the parents will have the final decision to ensure that they do not feel responsible or guilty for choosing between parents.

Communicate clearly and respectfully

Emotions may be running high and dealing with child arrangements at short notice may be hectic. Productive and positive communication is essential. Set out below are some helpful approaches to communicating with co-parents, even where the relationship is strained.

• Stick to factual, child-focused language; try not to let emotions overtake the communication
• Take a breath before sending a message and consider how the language used will be interpreted and what impact that will ultimately have on how things go for the children
• Avoid rehashing old arguments; focus on the arrangements for the holidays and not things that have happened in the past
• Use email, texts, or co-parenting apps if direct conversation is difficult
• Confirm agreements in writing to avoid misunderstandings

Positive communication does not only relate to co-parents, but it should also relate to conversations with the children. It is important to be open and honest with children as to the plans for the holidays as it will reduce uncertainty and potential disagreements.

Remember, even young children pick up on tension and therefore, peaceful and positive communications benefit them the most. If you find that tensions are rising or if something is bothering you, if possible, put it to one side and address it in private at a later time.

Plan gift-giving together

Often one of the biggest excitements for children is presents and children often have a long list of presents they want from their parents and Santa. During communications regarding child arrangements, you should also consider discussing gift giving together. By having these conversations now, it will avoid:

• Duplicated presents
• Competition over who buys “the best” gifts
• Overspending or pressure to buy more to ‘match’ or do ‘better’ than what the other parent has bought

To reduce this, when discussing child arrangements it would be helpful to agree on:

• Who will buy what gift
• Budgets if helpful
• Whether big presents stay at one home or travel with the child

Having these conversations now keeps the focus on the joy and magic children feel when opening their gifts rather than creating rivalry and a sense of competition that one parent ‘wins’ over the other. Ultimately, it is important to focus on the fact that in the long-run children will value time with their loved ones far more than any gifts.

Be mindful of emotions

Christmas can enhance feelings of loss, change or anxiety for both parents and children, particularly if it is their first Christmas since separation.

The following strategies can be used to help:

• Acknowledge children’s feelings that is it okay to miss the other parent and if possible, encourage the children to call or videocall the other parent on Christmas to help with the feeling of change
• Keep traditions that matter to them. If one parent values Christmas mornings for example, so the family can take part in the Christmas Day Park Run, consider trading times as this will enable the children to enjoy both parent’s traditions without the fear of missing out or feeling guilty for wanting to spend time with the other parent.
• Introduce new traditions gradually
• Look after your own wellbeing. It is common for holidays to trigger grief or loneliness so remember to lean on friends or family or create new traditions for yourself. This is important as children thrive when parents are calm and supported.

Create long term plans to avoid uncertainty

If you are finding things difficult this year, remember to start the focus on next year as soon as possible. As Christmas is round the corner, it can quickly feel stressful if you have not agreed arrangements for the children as you are trying to figure out how much food to buy and plan the necessary timings. There’s no right or wrong arrangement and for some, making long term plans may not be suitable however, it can be beneficial to agree long term arrangements so that when Christmas inevitably flies around again, it prevents uncertainty for the parents and most of all, the children.

Examples of common holiday plans include:

Alternating Christmas Day each year

• Year 1: Christmas Eve & Christmas Day with Parent A
• Year 2: Christmas Eve & Christmas Day with Parent B

Splitting Christmas Day

If it is possible with location and travel arrangements, sometimes families choose to divide the day:

• Morning with one parent
• Afternoon/evening with the other

However, careful consideration will be required to ensure that timings are agreed beforehand and communicated to the children in advance. Keep in mind what will happen to any gifts too as a prized present opened in the morning with one parent will likely be wanted throughout the day by a child.

Fixed arrangements every year

Some parents choose predictability, for example:

• Christmas Eve with Parent A
• Christmas Day with Parent B
• Boxing Day with Parent A

This can help children know what to expect.

Sharing the holidays fairly

If is it not practical to split Christmas eve/Christmas day, parents could look to share time over the holidays. For example, one parent has Christmas Day, the other might get New Year’s Eve/Day or extra time during the holiday period to maintain balance.

Making Christmas enjoyable for children after separation

Christmas after separation doesn’t have to be a nerve-racking time of year. With open communication, flexibility, and a child-focused approach, it’s possible to create a festive season full of warmth, stability and joy for your children. Remember to relax and enjoy the holiday period, the goal is for the children to feel loved and make memories, they will not remember flawless schedules and not everything has to be ‘perfect’.

If you need help with trying to sort out the arrangements for Christmas then please reach out to Family Team at [email protected].